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Attachment - Reclaiming Our Children

Excerpts from the keynote address by Wayne D. Parks, MA.,CFC.,DAPA to the Family Focus 2000 Conference

It would be fair for you to deduce from my title, credentials, and the agency name of Family Trauma Services that day in and day out I work with troubled children, adolescents, and their families. In a small percentage of these cases, the trouble is still contained within the family system. However, in the vast majority of cases, the “trouble” has reached a level that it has in someway negatively impacted society at-large. What I am referring to is the number of clients that we see each day who are a part of this current epidemic level of youth violence that occurs in our communities. Our children today are more angry, aggressive, hostile, and violent than at any other time in the history of our civilization. The homicide rate in the United States is the highest in the industrialized world. Homicide is the third leading cause of death for children between the ages of 5 and 14. The homicide rate for young males in the United States is 40 times higher than Japan, which has the lowest rate. Violent crime among juveniles has quadrupled since 1975. Between 1983 and 1992, the arrest rate for girls under the age of 18 increased by 85%, while for boys it went up by 50 %. The number of youth held in juvenile facilities has increased 41% since the late 1980's. More than 110,000 children under age 13 were arrested for felonies in 1994; 12,000 were crimes against people, including aggravated assault, rape and murder.

Our children are not only acting-out at this alarming rate against others, but the increase in the suicide rate among adolescents, up 400 % since the 1980's, is indicative of the fact that they are also acting-out violently toward themselves.

Clearly, something significant is happening with our children. Children committing these violent crimes have histories of chronic aggression. Research shows that by age 4 they displayed on-going and consistent patterns of aggression, rage and defiance. That’s what makes this issue relevant to our discussion this morning. These children didn’t just experience a hormonal surge at puberty and start acting-out, as some believe. Social histories and school reports clearly detail a diagnosable pattern of behavior dating back to early childhood.

This is a significant part of the perspective that I bring to this keynote address this morning. You see, I am so incredibly sad that so many of our children . . . our babies . . . are at-risk. And today, it’s not so much, as it was 15 or 20 years ago, that they are at-risk of loitering after hours at the community rec-center; or at-risk of being truant from school; or at-risk of being caught stealing from the neighborhood 7-11; or at-risk of getting into a fist fight after school. Today, our children are at-risk of killing, being killed or otherwise acting-out with intense anger and violence.

In addition to my being impacted and informed by our client population, I also have been significantly impacted by a new mentor that came into my life a little over a year ago. The influence on my life of this mentor has been tremendous. She has forced me to step back from the problem and examine the etiology. She has suggested to me that the solution as well as the problem is systemic. She has told me essentially that it is critical that I see both the forest and the trees, at the same time, for what they really are.

Ladies and Gentleman, may I present a picture of my daughter, Ms. Sarah Virginia Parks.

Now look at that face. What does that little face communicate (other than a sense of thankfulness that she looks more like her mother than me)? A cursory assessment would suggest that this child has the capacity to experience and exhibit profound happiness as a result of a meaningful level of emotional security and positive attachment. (Now, it obviously would take more than a snap shot to validate that assessment, but regardless of how much I might be tempted, I won’t bore you with hours of my home videos). What is apparent from this picture is that she is clearly not anxious, withdrawn or sullen. So the question that my wife and I are forced to pose to ourselves, and this also is the critical question for each of us here today, becomes: what can we do . . .we as parents . . .we as professionals . . .we as a community . . .we as a village . . .what can we do to provide sufficient positive impact on this little girl’s life, so as to reduce the possibility of her being a part of this negative ultimate end, either for herself or for some other child. It is the exploration of this critical question that brings us together this morning.

Today we’re here to talk about childhood development from 0 to 5. As a mental health clinician, it’s rare for me to find a mental health or support program that works with children under 5. But on the other hand, intellectually we all know that these are the most critical developmental years. These years are critical physically, cognitively and now people are starting to realize that these are the most critical developmental years emotionally, as well.

What impacts a child’s life from 0 to 5 determines whether that child will develop a positive, empathic, secure, and loving attachment. And thank goodness, today there is no end to the empirical data that supports that assertion.

The four key words that I need to leave with each of you this morning are: Positive; empathic; secure; and loving. We have but a short period of time, a narrow window of opportunity, 0 to 5 years old, to impact a child so as to encourage the development of this emotional cornerstone.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to learn basic trust and reciprocity, which then serves as a template for all future emotional relationships for them.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to explore their environment with feelings of safety and security, which leads to healthy cognitive and social development.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to develop the ability to self-regulate, which results in effective management of impulses and emotions.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to create a foundation for the formation of a positive identity, which includes a sense of competency, self-worth, and a balance between dependence and autonomy.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to establish a pro-social moral framework, which involves empathy, compassion and a sense of conscience.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to generate a positive core belief system, which is comprised of a positive attitude about themselves, their families, others, and life in general.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to develop the ability to moderate the impact of life’s stressors, traumas and adversities, and incorporate a sense of resilience.

With the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to increase their frustration tolerance and incorporate a sense of resourcefulness.

The word positive in this cornerstone is important to this framework because what we know is that a child can become securely attached to a cult or gang involved in destructive behavior. So, in this instance the word positive really refers to “pro-social.”

The word empathy in this cornerstone refers to the ability of the child to relate on an intuitive level to how another person might feel. Again, this empathy has to be in a positive pro-social manner. What we know is that a violent and aggressive person can wreck havoc on another person’s life out of their own sense of hurt, loss and pain. What we have is a sort of reversed empathy. The offender says “I hurt, so I want you to know this level of pain like I feel it. I’ve been deprived of respect, so I want you experience the feeling of humiliation that I feel. I’ve been denied money, fine jewelry and nice clothes, so I am going to take yours, and you too will know how that feels. I am going to hurt you and for a brief moment, I am going to feel a sense of power, control and superiority. And on a certain level, this is one way in which offenders justify their crimes.

The word secure in this cornerstone implies an enduring affective bond; a deep and long-lasting emotional connection which provides safety and protection; a sure confidence that one’s basic needs will be consistently met.

The word loving in this cornerstone refers to the presence of affection and the unconditional quality of this relationship.

The healthy and secure emotional attachment of a child actually begins in utero. There is no debate or argument regarding the long-term implications of the physiological development of the child based on the experience of the fetus. We acknowledge the long term implications of alcohol, substance abuse and nicotine on the developing fetus, but we have been slow to accept that the bio-chemical relationship between mother and fetus has an emotional component which is the beginning of a healthy/secure emotional attachment. Studies with pregnant women who were cigarette smokers pointed out the emotional connection between mother and fetus. When the mother would take a puff from a cigarette, the fetus would react with a significant increase in heart rate. However, when the mother was instructed to simply think about smoking a cigarette, the fetus would again react with a significant increase in heart rate. There is undisputed empirical evidence that a fetus reacts negatively to their mother’s feelings of stress. However, the converse has also been validated by research. A fetus will respond positively to the mother’s emotional state of happiness, security, peace of mind, and well-being. This is the beginning of secure attachment.

The first year of life involves the development of basic trust and security. This basic trust comes primarily as a result of the family’s consistent, appropriate and reliable fulfillment of the infant’s needs. “ I cry, and they tend to my need for food, to be changed, to be comforted, or simply to be acknowledged.”

The second year of life involves the development of a more complex sense of self. Supported by a trustworthy and reliable family, toddlers develop a positive self image. This self-concept or self-esteem primarily comes from the outside, from the family. The toddler then feels secure in his base and can feel confident to venture out in exploration of his environment. “I am loveable and worthwhile; my world is a happy and safe place.”

The third year of life involves the development and integration of advanced concepts of memory, consequences, and behavioral strategies. Procedural, semantic, and episodic memory systems are refined and integrated. That’s sort of a fancy way of saying that the child will begin to put things together. They will summarize the meaning of recurring patterns in the family life; they will organize thoughts; and they will develop emotional and behavioral strategies, including defenses. They are comforted by the fact that the family is sensitive to their needs, encourages open communication about thoughts and feelings, and validates their perceptions.

The fourth year of life involves the development of a child’s sense of conscience. The child is able to model the family’s use of empathy, compassion, altruism, and sensitivity. The conscience serves as a mechanism motivating the child to avoid actions that would create a negative response by the family. The child’s behavior is ultimately motivated by his desire to please the family.

The fifth year of life begins the process of integration and internalization. The child begins to think through their actions and reactions and makes decisions, not so much out of a desire for approval or fear of disapproval by the family, but because now they have the ability to judge their own behavior.

It is with a foundation built on this cornerstone that our children will grow and mature with a profound sense of respect for themselves, their families and their community.

This cornerstone won’t shield them from the stressors, traumas, and adversities of life, but it will give them the foundation to endure them.

This cornerstone won’t deny them life’s frustrations, but it will provide them with frustration tolerance.

This cornerstone won’t change who they are on the outside or what their life situation might be, but it will give them a positive sense of self, and a positive core belief system. The 12 step self-help groups have a program promise that says something like ‘‘their whole attitude and outlook on life will change.” And those who are in 12 step self-help programs, simply by virtue of the fact that they are there, must have already been through a lifetime of hell, and are now discovering the need to fundamentally change their core belief system. This cornerstone helps to build a positive attitude and outlook on life from the beginning.

This cornerstone won’t protect our children from the outside world, but it will arm them with empathy, compassion, strong moral values, and a sense of conscience.

This cornerstone won’t shield our children from other’s actions, but it will give them the ability to regulate their reactions and appropriately manage their impulses and emotions.

This cornerstone won’t shelter our children from all the potential danger of the world, but it will give them a good gut instinct and a healthy sense of safety and security.

This cornerstone won’t protect our children from emotional hurt, but it will allow them to know enduring friendships, trust, and emotional intimacy.

In your workshops today, you will explore issues such as the role of the parent as the primary educator of their own children. That’s an important issue to consider. Our society as a whole has abdicated its responsibility for our children. Parents at every socio-economic level have prioritized meeting the collective needs of the family over the needs of the individual child. Intact/two-parent families have so invested in the American dream (that is to say, keeping up with the Jones’), they have justified leaving the base educational needs of their children to the television or to the street. Single parents, overwhelmed by the responsibility to consistently put food on the table and keep a roof over their children’s heads, have felt exhausted by the time it comes to meeting their children’s educational needs.

Violence in the family is another important issue to examine. Violence in the family seems to fall along a continuum ranging from corporal punishment to spousal and child abuse. Often times, I hear adults who report that “our parents would regularly beat us with belts, razor blade straps, and tree limbs, and I think that I turned out fine.” Well, I suppose the question to explore would be “did you really turn out fine?” How do you explain to a child that it’s ok for mommy and daddy to hit you when you do something that we didn’t want you to do, or you didn’t do something that we wanted you to do, but on the other hand, it’s not ok for you to hit your little brother or your friend when he doesn’t do something that you want him to do. Does “we don’t hit” apply to everyone in the family?

These are questions for which we are compelled to sort out some workable answers if our children are to develop positive, empathic, secure, and loving attachments.

Workshops today will facilitate discussion on developing strategies that will change the way you view and handle conflict; teach effective and active listening skills; and demonstrate alternative ways to handle conflict that will result in a win/win situation for all involved.

These are important life skills. The reality is that children don’t come with an operator’s manual, so I applaud you for your willingness to come here today and participate with an open mind and an open heart to our children.