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Attachment
- Reclaiming Our Children
Excerpts
from the keynote address by
Wayne D. Parks, MA.,CFC.,DAPA to
the Family Focus 2000 Conference
It
would be fair for you to deduce from my title, credentials, and
the agency name of Family Trauma Services that day in and day out
I work with troubled children, adolescents, and their families. In
a small percentage of these cases, the trouble is still contained
within the family system. However, in the vast majority of cases,
the “trouble” has reached a level that it has in someway
negatively impacted society at-large. What I am referring to is
the number of clients that we see each day who are a part of this
current epidemic level of youth violence that occurs in our
communities. Our children today are more angry, aggressive,
hostile, and violent than at any other time in the history of our
civilization. The homicide rate in the United States is the
highest in the industrialized world. Homicide is the third leading
cause of death for children between the ages of 5 and 14. The
homicide rate for young males in the United States is 40 times
higher than Japan, which has the lowest rate. Violent crime among
juveniles has quadrupled since 1975. Between 1983 and 1992, the
arrest rate for girls under the age of 18 increased by 85%, while
for boys it went up by 50 %. The number of youth held in juvenile
facilities has increased 41% since the late 1980's. More than
110,000 children under age 13 were arrested for felonies in 1994;
12,000 were crimes against people, including aggravated assault,
rape and murder.
Our children are
not only acting-out at this alarming rate against others, but the
increase in the suicide rate among adolescents, up 400 % since
the 1980's, is
indicative of the fact that they are also acting-out violently
toward themselves.
Clearly,
something significant is happening with our children. Children
committing these violent crimes have histories of chronic
aggression. Research shows that by age 4 they displayed on-going
and consistent patterns of aggression, rage and defiance. That’s
what makes this issue relevant to our discussion this morning.
These children didn’t just experience a hormonal surge at
puberty and start acting-out, as some believe. Social histories
and school reports clearly detail a diagnosable pattern of
behavior dating back to early childhood.
This
is a significant part of the perspective that I bring to this
keynote address this morning. You see, I am so incredibly sad that
so many of our children . . . our babies . . . are at-risk. And
today, it’s not so much, as it was 15 or 20 years ago, that they
are at-risk of loitering after hours at the community rec-center;
or at-risk of being truant from school; or at-risk of being caught
stealing from the neighborhood 7-11; or at-risk of getting into a
fist fight after school. Today, our children are at-risk of
killing, being killed or otherwise acting-out with intense anger
and violence.
In addition to my
being impacted and informed by our client population, I also have
been significantly impacted by a new mentor that came into my life
a little over a year ago. The influence on my life of this mentor
has been tremendous. She has forced me to step back from the
problem and examine the etiology. She has suggested to me that the
solution as well as the problem is systemic. She has told me
essentially that it is critical that I see both the forest and the
trees, at the same time, for what they really are.
Ladies
and Gentleman, may I present a picture of my daughter, Ms. Sarah
Virginia Parks.
Now
look at that face. What does that little face communicate (other
than a sense of thankfulness that she looks more like her mother
than me)? A cursory assessment would suggest that this child has
the capacity to experience and exhibit profound happiness as a
result of a meaningful level of emotional security and positive
attachment. (Now, it obviously would take more than a snap shot to
validate that assessment, but regardless of how much I might be
tempted, I won’t bore you with hours of my home videos). What is
apparent from this picture is that she is clearly not anxious,
withdrawn or sullen. So the question that my wife and I are forced
to pose to ourselves, and this also is the critical question for
each of us here today, becomes: what can we do . . .we as parents
. . .we as professionals . . .we as a community . . .we as a
village . . .what can we do to provide sufficient positive impact
on this little girl’s life, so as to reduce the possibility of
her being a part of this negative ultimate end, either for herself
or for some other child. It is the exploration of this critical
question that brings us together this morning.
Today
we’re here to talk about childhood development from 0 to 5. As a
mental health clinician, it’s rare for me to find a mental
health or support program that works with children under 5. But on
the other hand, intellectually we all know that these are the most
critical developmental years. These years are critical physically,
cognitively and now people are starting to realize that these are
the most critical developmental years emotionally, as well.
What
impacts a child’s life from 0 to 5 determines whether that child
will develop a positive, empathic, secure, and loving attachment.
And thank goodness, today there is no end to the empirical data
that supports that assertion.
The
four key words that I need to leave with each of you this morning
are: Positive; empathic; secure; and loving. We have but a
short period of time, a narrow window of opportunity, 0 to 5 years
old, to impact a child so as to encourage the development of this
emotional cornerstone.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to learn basic
trust and reciprocity, which then serves as a template for all
future emotional relationships for them.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to explore
their environment with feelings of safety and security, which
leads to healthy cognitive and social development.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to develop the
ability to self-regulate, which results in effective management of
impulses and emotions.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to create a
foundation for the formation of a positive identity, which
includes a sense of competency, self-worth, and a balance between
dependence and autonomy.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to establish a
pro-social moral framework, which involves empathy, compassion and
a sense of conscience.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to generate a
positive core belief system, which is comprised of a positive
attitude about themselves, their families, others, and life in
general.
Positive;
empathic; secure; and loving.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to develop the
ability to moderate the impact of life’s stressors, traumas and
adversities, and incorporate a sense of resilience.
With
the presence of this cornerstone, children are able to increase
their frustration tolerance and incorporate a sense of
resourcefulness.
Positive;
empathic; secure; and loving.
The
word positive in this cornerstone is important to this
framework because what we know is that a child can become securely
attached to a cult or gang involved in destructive behavior. So,
in this instance the word positive really refers to “pro-social.”
The word empathy
in this cornerstone refers to the ability of the child to relate
on an intuitive level to how another person might feel. Again,
this empathy has to be in a positive pro-social manner. What we
know is that a violent and aggressive person can wreck havoc on
another person’s life out of their own sense of hurt, loss and
pain. What we have is a sort of reversed empathy. The offender
says “I hurt, so I want you to know this level of pain like I
feel it. I’ve been deprived of respect, so I want you experience
the feeling of humiliation that I feel. I’ve been denied money,
fine jewelry and nice clothes, so I am going to take yours, and
you too will know how
that feels. I am going to hurt you and for a brief moment, I am
going to feel a sense of power, control and superiority. And on a
certain level, this is one way in which offenders justify their
crimes.
The
word secure in this cornerstone implies an enduring
affective bond; a deep and long-lasting emotional connection which
provides safety and protection; a sure confidence that one’s
basic needs will be consistently met.
The
word loving in this cornerstone refers to the presence of
affection and the unconditional quality of this relationship.
The
healthy and secure emotional attachment of a child actually begins
in utero. There is no debate or argument regarding the long-term
implications of the physiological development of the child based
on the experience of the fetus. We acknowledge the long term
implications of alcohol, substance abuse and nicotine on the
developing fetus, but we have been slow to accept that the
bio-chemical relationship between mother and fetus has an
emotional component which is the beginning of a healthy/secure
emotional attachment. Studies with pregnant women who were
cigarette smokers pointed out the emotional connection between
mother and fetus. When the mother would take a puff from a
cigarette, the fetus would react with a significant increase in
heart rate. However, when the mother was instructed to simply
think about smoking a cigarette, the fetus would again react with
a significant increase in heart rate. There is undisputed
empirical evidence that a fetus reacts negatively to their mother’s
feelings of stress. However, the converse has also been validated
by research. A fetus will respond positively to the mother’s
emotional state of happiness, security, peace of mind, and
well-being. This is the beginning of secure attachment.
The
first year of life involves the development of basic trust and
security. This
basic trust comes primarily as a result of the family’s
consistent, appropriate and reliable fulfillment of the infant’s
needs. “ I cry, and they tend to my need for food, to be
changed, to be comforted, or simply to be acknowledged.”
The
second year of life involves the development of a more complex
sense of self. Supported
by a trustworthy and reliable family, toddlers develop a positive
self image. This self-concept or self-esteem primarily comes from
the outside, from the family. The toddler then feels secure in his
base and can feel confident to venture out in exploration of his
environment. “I am loveable and worthwhile; my world is a happy
and safe place.”
The
third year of life involves the development and integration of
advanced concepts of memory, consequences, and behavioral
strategies. Procedural,
semantic, and episodic memory systems are refined and integrated.
That’s sort of a fancy way of saying that the child will begin
to put things together. They will summarize the meaning of
recurring patterns in the family life; they will organize
thoughts; and they will develop emotional and behavioral
strategies, including defenses. They are comforted by the fact
that the family is sensitive to their needs, encourages open
communication about thoughts and feelings, and validates their
perceptions.
The
fourth year of life involves the development of a child’s sense
of conscience. The
child is able to model the family’s use of empathy, compassion,
altruism, and sensitivity. The conscience serves as a mechanism
motivating the child to avoid actions that would create a negative
response by the family. The child’s behavior is ultimately
motivated by his desire to please the family.
The
fifth year of life begins the process of integration and
internalization. The
child begins to think through their actions and reactions and
makes decisions, not so much out of a desire for approval or fear
of disapproval by the family, but because now they have the
ability to judge their own behavior.
It
is with a foundation built on this cornerstone that our children
will grow and mature with a profound sense of respect for
themselves, their families and their community.
This
cornerstone won’t shield them from the stressors, traumas, and
adversities of life, but it will give them the foundation to
endure them.
This
cornerstone won’t deny them life’s frustrations, but it will
provide them with frustration tolerance.
This
cornerstone won’t change who they are on the outside or what
their life situation might be, but it will give them a positive
sense of self, and a positive core belief system. The 12 step
self-help groups have a program promise that says something like
‘‘their whole attitude and outlook on life will change.” And
those who are in 12 step self-help programs, simply by virtue of
the fact that they are there, must have already been through a
lifetime of hell, and are now discovering the need to
fundamentally change their core belief system. This cornerstone
helps to build a positive attitude and outlook on life from the
beginning.
This
cornerstone won’t protect our children from the outside world,
but it will arm them with empathy, compassion, strong moral
values, and a sense of conscience.
This
cornerstone won’t shield our children from other’s actions,
but it will give them the ability to regulate their reactions and
appropriately manage their impulses and emotions.
This
cornerstone won’t shelter our children from all the potential
danger of the world, but it will give them a good gut instinct and
a healthy sense of safety and security.
This
cornerstone won’t protect our children from emotional hurt, but
it will allow them to know enduring friendships, trust, and
emotional intimacy.
In
your workshops today, you will explore issues such as the role of
the parent as the primary educator of their own children. That’s
an important issue to consider. Our society as a whole has
abdicated its responsibility for our children. Parents at every
socio-economic level have prioritized meeting the collective needs
of the family over the needs of the individual child.
Intact/two-parent families have so invested in the American dream
(that is to say, keeping up with the Jones’), they have
justified leaving the base educational needs of their children to
the television or to the street. Single parents, overwhelmed by
the responsibility to consistently put food on the table and keep
a roof over their children’s heads, have felt exhausted by the
time it comes to meeting their children’s educational needs.
Violence
in the family is another important issue to examine. Violence in
the family seems to fall along a continuum ranging from corporal
punishment to spousal and child abuse. Often times, I hear adults
who report that “our parents would regularly beat us with belts,
razor blade straps, and tree limbs, and I think that I turned out
fine.” Well, I suppose the question to explore would be “did
you really turn out fine?” How do you explain to a child that it’s
ok for mommy and daddy to hit you when you do something that we
didn’t want you to do, or you didn’t do something that we
wanted you to do, but on the other hand, it’s not ok for you to
hit your little brother or your friend when he doesn’t do
something that you want him to do. Does “we don’t hit” apply
to everyone in the family?
These
are questions for which we are compelled to sort out some workable
answers if our children are to develop positive, empathic, secure,
and loving attachments.
Workshops
today will facilitate discussion on developing strategies that
will change the way you view and handle conflict; teach effective
and active listening skills; and demonstrate alternative ways to
handle conflict that will result in a win/win situation for all
involved.
These
are important life skills. The reality is that children don’t
come with an operator’s manual, so I applaud you for your
willingness to come here today and participate with an open mind
and an open heart to our children.
Toy
Safety Tips for the Holidays
The American Academy
of Pediatrics has developed guidelines and information regarding
the safety of new toys for different age groups of children. The
following information should help you determine what toys are most
appropriate for the children on your shopping list.
The
Matching Game
Make
sure that toys are matched to the child’s abilities. The
manufacturer recommendations can serve as a useful guide. A toy
that is too advanced or too simple for a child may be misused,
which can lead to injury. Also, think BIG when choosing toys.
All toy parts should be larger than the child's mouth to prevent
injuries, including choking.
Purchasing
Tips
Before
buying a toy, read the instructions. If appropriate, also read
the instructions to the child on the proper use of the toy. To
avoid risk of serious eye or ear injury, avoid toys that shoot
small objects into the air, or make loud or shrill noises.
Parents can hold the noise-making toy next to their ear to
determine whether it will be too loud for a child's ears. Also,
tips of arrows or darts should be blunt, made of soft rubber or
flexible plastic, and securely fastened to the shaft. It’s
also important to look for sturdy toy construction. The eyes,
nose and other small parts on soft toys and stuffed animals
should be securely fastened on the toy. In addition, avoid toys
with sharp edges. Finally, never buy hobby kits such as
chemistry sets for any child younger than 12 years old and
provide proper supervision for children 12 to 15 years of age.
Age-Appropriate
Toys
The
following is a list of toys that the American Academy of
Pediatrics recommends for specific age groups. Use these
recommendations when shopping for toys. However, always remember
that these are merely guidelines. Parents should watch out for
mislabeled toys and always provide proper supervision for
younger children. Ask your child's pediatrician for help in
deciding which toys are safe for newborns, toddlers and teens.
Newborn
to 1-Year-Old
Choose
"eye-catching" toys that appeal to your baby's sight,
hearing, and touch, such as large blocks of wood or plastic;
pots and pans; rattles; soft, washable animals, dolls or balls;
bright, movable objects that are out of baby's reach; busy
boards; floating bath toys; and squeeze toys.
1-
to 2-Year-Old Toddler
Toys
for this age group should be safe and be able to withstand a
toddler's curious nature. Look for cloth or plastic books with
large pictures; sturdy dolls; kiddy cars; musical tops; nesting
blocks; push and pull toys (remember - no long strings);
stacking toys; and toy telephones.
2-
to 5-Year-Old Preschooler
Toys
for this age group are usually experimental and should imitate
the activities of parents and older children. Some good choices
include books (short stories or action stories); blackboard and
chalk; building blocks; crayons; nontoxic finger paints; clay;
hammer and bench; housekeeping toys; outdoor toys such as a
sandbox (with a lid), slides, swings, or playhouses;
transportation toys (tricycles, cars, wagons); tape or record
player; simple puzzles with large pieces; dress-up clothes; and
tea party utensils.
5-
to 9-Year-Old Child
Toys
for this age group should help your child promote skill
development and creativity. Examples include blunt scissors and
sewing sets; card games; doctor and nurse kits; hand puppets;
balls; bicycles; crafts; electric trains; paper dolls; jump
ropes; roller skates; sports equipment; and table games.
10-
to 14-Year-Old Child
Hobbies
and scientific activities are ideal for this age group. Look for
computer games; sewing, knitting, and needlework; microscopes or
telescopes; table and board games; sports equipment; and hobby
collections.
This
article and others like it can be found in the library of the
Parenthood website at http://www.parenthood.com.
Intensive
In-Home Services can Begin Today.
Do
you have a youth in need of services right away? FTS is now
approved to directly provide Medicaid Intensive In-Home Services
throughout the Northern Virginia region! Anyone can call to
request services, including client families, case workers, school
staff, hospitals, and residential programs. Assessment and
treatment can often begin within 24 hours of the request. CSA or
FAPT authorization, and their related reviews, are not required,
and FTS is responsible for all documentation and direct billing.
Services
are typically provided in the home of a youth who is at risk of an
out of home placement, or who is being transitioned home from an
out-of-home placement. Eligibility criteria for youth age 2 - 18
include a diagnosable disorder under the DSM-IV. With FTS, you can
quickly and easily provide clients with quality in-home,
coordinated, multi-therapeutic mental health treatment. Call David
Grant, Virginia Program Director, at 703-549-4000 to learn more.
The
Depressed Child
Adults
aren’t the only ones who can become depressed. Children and
teenagers also may have depression. Depression is defined as an
illness when it persists.
Significant
depression probably exists in about 5 percent of children and
adolescents in the general population. Children under stress, who
experience loss, or who have attentional, learning or conduct
disorders are at a higher risk for depression.
The
behavior of depressed children and teenagers differs from the
behavior of depressed adults. Child and adolescent psychiatrists
advise parents to be aware of signs in their youngsters such as:
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Persistent
sadness
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An inability to
enjoy previously favorite activities;
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Increased
activity or irritability;
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Frequent
complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and
stomachaches;
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Frequent
absences from school or poor performance in school;
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Persistent
boredom, low energy, poor concentration; or
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A major change
in eating and/or sleeping patterns.
A
child who used to play often with friends may now spend most of
the time alone and without interests. Things that were once fun
now bring little joy to the depressed child. Children and
adolescents who are depressed may say they want to be dead or may
talk about suicide. Depressed adolescents may abuse alcohol or
other drugs as a way to feel better.
Children
and adolescents who cause trouble at home or at school may
actually be depressed but not know it. Because the youngster may
not always seem sad, parents and teachers may not realize that
troublesome behavior is a sign of depression. When asked directly,
these children can sometimes state they are unhappy or sad.
Early
diagnosis and medical treatment are essential for depressed
children. For help, parents should ask their physician to refer
them to a child and adolescent psychiatrist, who can diagnose and
treat depression in children and teenagers.
This
article and others like it can be found on the American Academy of
Child and Adolescent Psychiatry website at
http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/index.htm.
Six
Ways to Celebrate the Holidays as a Family - Client Handout
The holiday season is here.
Advertising tells us that we need to spend a lot of money to have a
good holiday with our children. Don’t buy it! The holidays can be
less stressful and more memorable if we celebrate in ways that
involve time and sharing with one another. Below are some easy,
inexpensive ways to enjoy the season with your kids! Happy Holidays!
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Cook something:
Bake brownies or cookies, or make a stew. You could even make
hot chocolate or heat up some apple cider. Cooking can make the
house smell wonderful and tummies feel warm and cared for.
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Tell a family story about
a holiday past. The story can be funny, sad, or joyful.
You can share about a holiday time when your children were
young, or not even born. You can tell a story about when you
were a child, or a story about your own child that they might
not remember.
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Sing a holiday song.
It can be fun to have a sing-a-long of your favorite holiday
songs. It also can make the season feel special if you simply
sing some favorites while you are finishing chores or driving in
the car.
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Plan on a holiday TV
show to watch together. Read over the TV guides, or look in
the video store. Make a date to watch the show in advance, so
everyone can look forward to it!
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Decorate something.
Trim a tree. Light candles. Look for old greeting cards or
wrapping paper, and use the pictures to make ornaments or new
cards to share. Put lights up outside together, as a family.
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Donate your time.
In the spirit of the season, remember those less fortunate. Even
if you don’t have much yourself, there are always other people
to help or care for. Collect old toys and clothes that no longer
fit, and give them to charity. Visit with an elderly neighbor
who might be missing family. Helping others feel good is a great
gift to share with your children.
Editor’s Note: This Client Handout
is a holiday present from the staff of Family Trauma Services.
Look for this new regular feature in upcoming issues of the FTS
Express.
The above handout is designed for FTS
Express
recipients to use in their work with families. Subscribers are
welcome to photocopy and distribute the handout to any clients or
colleagues who might benefit from the material. All handouts
remain the property of Family Trauma Services, Inc., and are not
to be used for profit or mass distribution.
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